The Jokes Thread

[jamie_duff]

In a recent medical journal, a leading psychiatrist proclaimed that in our troubled society today, the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started but left unfinished.

So I looked around, and I finished off a bottle of Merrrloh, a bottle of Shhhardonay, a bodle of Teechurs,, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot prozokc and valum scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who bloddy gud I fel...Ahm soh kin peesfol....zzzzz

[jamie_duff]

Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six.

As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the Pilot says "The plane can only take four of those."
The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.
A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." Says Mick

[jamie_duff]

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on retaining A&E departments in all local major hospitals, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body, while the Paediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internist's thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some ar**hole in Government.

[David Broom]

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to exand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

[jamie_duff]

A Scotsman, walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Scotsman shouts " Haw, ya bampot. Yon's fu' o' coos' keech " (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow poo.)

The man shouts back "I'm English. Speak English; I don't understand you".

The Scotsman shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."

[Captain Pulsar]

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

[Captain Pulsar]

Two men are out fishing at their favourite spot, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Jim says, 'I think I'm
going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

John continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,....






......'You better think it over - women like that are hard to find.'

[Mike Mold]

I was depressed last night so I called the Samaritans.

Got a call centre in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[David Hall]

Whoopee Goldberg got married today, to Gerard Deapardeu.

She will be known as Whoopeedoupeedoo!

[jamie_duff]

[David Hall]

Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject liquid ecstasy directly into their mouths. This dangerous process is known as "E-by-gum"...

[David Broom]

Might be a few pointers here for marshalers at LAA events !!

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Vz7FI_S0_NE