Will the new Clutton FRED XL be approved?

[cardiffrob]

I received this e-mail today.
Rob,

I couldn't help but pass on this important piece of news in case you hadn't already seen it! Am not sure of the source but it amused me a lot...... Not sure I have the nerve to post it on the LAA forum though.

regards

Colin


FRED-XL Flight Test.

Undaunted by aerodynamic reality, the FRED design team has announced plans for the FRED-XL (Extra Loud), promising more noise, reduced payload, a lower cruise speed, and increased pilot workload.

The team responsible for developing many original and creative design flaws in the original model has reformed and assure us that the new FRED-XL will retain all the fundamental design flaws of the original. Further good news is that the XL version is available as a retrofit.

Among the new measures is that of locking the ailerons in the central position, following airborne and simulator tests which showed that whilst pilots of average strength were able to achieve up to 30° of control column deflection, this produced no appreciable variation in the net flight path of the aircraft.

Thus the removal of costly and unnecessary linkages has been possible, and the rudder has been nominated as the primary directional control. In keeping with this new philosophy, but to retain commonality for pilots transitioning to the XL, additional resistance to foot pressure has been built into the rudder pedals to prevent overcontrolling in gusty conditions (defined as those in which wind velocity exceeds 3 knots).

An outstanding feature of FRED technology has always been the design of the mountings for the VW engine, which mounted in any other aircraft in the free world is known for its low vibration levels. The FRED patent technology causes it shake and batter the airframe, gradually crystallise the bracing wires, ungluing the wing ribs and simulating the sound of fifty skeletons fornicating in an aluminium dustbin.
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The designers will not disclose the technology applied in enhancing this effect in the XL, but it is seen as a strong selling point; "After all, the Concorde made a lot of noise," they say, "and look how fast it went."

However, design documents clandestinely recovered from the dustbin have solved a question that has puzzled aerodynamicists and pilots for many years, disclosing that it is actually noise which causes the FRED to fly. The vibration set up by the engine and amplified by the airframe, in turn causes the air molecules above the wing to oscillate at atomic frequency, reducing their density and causing lift.

This can be demonstrated by sudden closure of the throttle, which causes the aircraft to fall from the sky. As a result, lift is proportional to noise rather than speed, explaining amongst other things the aircraft's remarkable 50 knot full-throttle cruising speed.

In addition ergonomic measures ensure that long-term pilot deafness does not cause inflight dozing. Orthopaedic surgeons have designed a cockpit layout and seat to maximise backache, draughts, enroute insomnia, chronic irritability, and terminal (post-flight) lethargy. Redesigned 'bullworker' elastic aileron cables, now disconnected from the control surfaces, increase pilot workload and fitness. Special noise retention materials are hoped in later models to develop noise to a level which will enable pilots to relate ear pain directly to engine power, eliminating the need for engine instruments altogether.

We were offered an opportunity to fly the XL at a secret developmental facility. (The flight was originally to have been conducted at Sywell, but fixed-wing aircraft are now prohibited from operating at the airfield while the tide is in).

For our mission profile, the XL was loaded with fossil fuel for a standard one-hour or 10 nm sortie, carrying one pilot and the maximum of optimism.

Boarding is unchanged, the normal under-wing protrusions inflicting serious lacerations on 71% of boarding occupants (one). The facility for the clothing of those embarking to remove oil slicks from engine cowl and fuselage during loading has also been thoughtfully retained.

Startup is standard, and lengthy. Taxying, as in earlier FREDs is accomplished by brute force and any steering is approximate. Takeoff calculations called for a 250 decibel power setting, and the rotation force for the (neutral) C of G was calculated as 180ft/lbs of back (and/or forward) pressure.

Initial warning of an engine failure during takeoff is provided by a reduction in flight instrument panel vibration. Complete failure of the engine is indicated by the momentary illusion that the eyeballs have suddenly and inexplicably become synchronised.

Power was then reduced to 249 decibels for cruise, and we carried out some comparisons of actual flight performance with graph predictions. At 500' and ISA, we achieved a vibration amplitud e of 500 CPS and 240 decibels, for a fuel flow of 210 lb/hr, making the FRED XL the most efficient converter of fuel to noise since the Titan rocket or a Eurofighter Typhoon at low level.

Exploring the constant noise-variable speed and constant speed-variable noise concepts, we found that in a VNE dive, vibration reached its design maximum at 1000 CPS, or 60 knots, at which point the limiting factor is the emulsification of human tissue. The catatonic condition of long term FRED pilots is attributed to this syndrome, which commences in the cerebral cortex and spreads outwards.

We returned to splashdown at Sywell convinced that the XL model retains the marque's most memorable features, while showing some significant and worthwhile regressions The FRED design team were asked what they considered the outstanding features of the XL. They cupped their hands behind their ears and shouted. "Whaaaat?"

The FRED designers are however not resting on their laurels. Plans are already advanced for a Twin-FRED, based on successful designs such as the Twin Pioneer. Noise tunnel testing has commenced. The basis of preliminary design and performance specifications is that lift increases as the square of noise, and as the principle of acoustic lift is further developed, a later five-engined vertical takeoff model is another possibility.


Clutton FRED. It doesn't actually fly; The Earth merely repels it

[cardiffrob]

Says it all, really.

[Alan Crutcher]

I heard from dubious sources that the secret Fred XL is currently the only permit aircraft exempted forever from the requirement to carry Mode-S - another great first! Apparently, air traffic controllers report that they are aware of the type being airborne due to display-shudder, rendering Mode-S information superfluous.

A very enlightening account Rob.

Has yours flown yet, or do you shudder at the thought of it?

(I'd love to try one.)

[cardiffrob]

I'ze got wingz! Those films show G-BMOO, the Webster Whirlwind engine'd one. Mine is almost the same colour but is sat next to G-BMOO in the video.

I've also got a spare set of wings that might end up gracing Ian's new-build FRED.

I've still got my eye on that 800yrd strip near Cardiff airport. Shhhhhh! It's a secret.

[cardiffrob]

.....and I still need some tailwheel time.

Alan. Do you ever have a spare seat in your Lusc.....errr....Aeronca?

[Alan Crutcher]

Dear Mr Tickner: I thought my profile was a bit OTT, so I modified it.

Dear Mr Thomas: No problem. I'll give you a ring (if your number has not changed). It must be many years since we last met, and you still havn't flown the FRED?

Happy 2009 to the pair of you.